Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence is not merely hitting, or fighting, or an occasional stubborn argument. It's an abuse of power. The abuser tortures and controls the victim by calculated threats, intimidation, and physical violence. Actual physical violence is often the end result of months or years of intimidation and control.

In their diagnostic and treatment guidelines for physicians, The American Medical Association defines intimate partner abuse as "the physical, sexual, and/or psychological abuse to an individual perpetrated by a current or former intimate partner. While this term is gender-neutral, women are more likely to experience physical injuries and incur psychological consequences of intimate partner abuse."


Defining the problem:

Domestic violence is violence between adult intimate partners.
Though the definition above seems simple enough (it is widely accepted in the law enforcement community as the definition), the application of the definition varies quite significantly from organization to organization, state to state, and country to country. The term "intimate partners" in some cases refers only to people who are cohabitating or have cohabited (lived together) whereas at other times "intimate partners" refers to people who are dating or who have dated at some time in the past.

Perhaps a better definition of domestic violence is emotional abuse, physical abuse, or sexual abuse between people who have at some time had an intimate or family relationship.

To understand how the meaning of "domestic violence" has and is changing, think about how the term "family" has changed in the past 50 years. They are both ever-changing, and a bit controversial.

Many view the above definition of domestic violence as overly restrictive. They argue that domestic violence can occur between adult family members who are not "intimate" in the traditional sense, such as adult brothers and sisters, cousins, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, mothers- and fathers-in-law. For example, many consider elder abuse to be a form of domestic violence.

Though the definition above clearly states "adult...", there is a recent trend for states to adopt legal definitions of domestic violence that include violence toward children (more than half of states now mention children in their domestic violence laws). This could broaden the definition to be violence between any of the following: husbands, wives, ex-husbands, ex-wives, partners, ex-partners, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, children, people who have lived together (which could include cousins, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, and caregivers), and people who are or have dated in the past.

Physical abuse is obviously cruel. Emotional abuse is more subtle and often goes unrecognized, even by the victim. It wears the victim down. She blames herself for her abuser’s behavior. Emotional abuse often accompanies physical abuse, but even by itself it is dangerous because physical abuse often follows. Emotional abuse can take many forms, such as:


Isolation
The abuser tries to control who the victim sees or talks to, where she goes, and what she does. She may not be allowed to use the phone, see her friends or visit her family. She may be made to feel guilty for going out and leaving housework undone or enjoying herself while he worked. He might encourage her to make friends and then complain bitterly that she is neglecting him.

An abuser justifies this control by saying it is proof of his love, or that he worries about her safety when she goes out. In reality, he feels that any relationship will undermine his authority and take his partner away. Isolation increases the victim’s dependence on the abuser for all her social needs. She feels very alone in her struggle, has no one to give her a “reality check.” Some abusers go so far as to move their households to prevent the victim from building a social support network. In extreme cases the victim may become a prisoner, being locked in a room and denied food or toilet.


Forms of Isolation include:


• checking up on you
• accusing you of unfaithfulness
• moving to an isolated area
• ensuring you lack transport or a telephone
• making your friends or family feel uncomfortable when visiting so that they cease
• punishing you for being 10 minutes late home from work by complaining, bad moods, c criticism or physical abuse
• not allowing you to leave the house on your own
• demanding a report on your actions and conversations
• preventing you from working
• not allowing any activity which excludes him
• finding fault with your friends/family
• insisting on taking you to and collecting you from work

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is when an intimate partner has...

• continually criticized you, called you names or shouted at you
• insulted or driven away your friends or family
• humiliated you in private or public
• kept you from working, controlled your money or made all the decisions
• refused to work or to share money
• taken car keys or money from you
• regularly threatened to leave or told you to leave
• threatened to kidnap the children when the abuser was angry with you
• abused pets to hurt you
• manipulated you with lies and contradictions


Verbal Abuse

Verbal Abuse is more than name-calling. It is a fundamental lack of respect for the other person’s feelings and opinions. People engaged in normal, healthy conversation respect each other’s rights to their own opinions. The verbal abuser may use insulting or humiliating remarks—“You're stupid; you look like a slut...” He may refuse to hold a conversation to discuss issues, or he may insist on talking all night. Verbal abuse, which undermines your sense of worth and destroys your self-image, can include:

• yelling or shouting at you
• making threats
• insulting you or your family
• being sarcastic about or criticizing your interests, opinions or beliefs
• humiliating you either in private or in company
• sneering, growling, name-calling
• withholding approval, appreciation, or conversation
• refusing to discuss issues that are important to you
• laughing or making fun of you inappropriately
• leaving nasty messages
• accusing you of unfaithfulness, not trying hard enough or purposely doing something to annoy
• blaming you for his failures or other forms of abuse

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is when an intimate partner has...

• pushed or shoved you
• held you to keep you from leaving
• slapped or bitten you
• kicked or choked you
• hit or punched you
• thrown objects at you
• locked you out of the house
• abandoned you in dangerous places
• refused to help you when you were sick, injured or pregnant
• forced you off the road or driven recklessly
• threatened to hurt you with a weapon
• slapping
• kicking
• shoving
• choking
• pinching
• forced feeding
• pulling hair
• punching
• throwing things
• burning
• beating
• use of weapons (gun, knives, or any object)
• physical restraint - pinning against wall, floor, bed, etc.
• reckless driving

The abuse can start with something small—a shove during an argument, or forcefully grabbing your wrist—and usually becomes more severe and more frequent over time. Physical abuse can—and too often does—result in death.




Sexual Abuse

Any sexual act that is not based on mutual consent constitutes sexual abuse. That includes unwanted touching, forced sexual activity—oral, anal or vaginal, forcing the victim to perform painful or degrading acts during intercourse (e.g. urinating on victim), and exploitation through photography or prostitution.


The abuser my use violence to rape his partner (most common where there is also physical violence) or he may use only enough force to control his partner's movements (known as 'force-only rape'). Coercion in the form of threats or verbal abuse may also be used, leaving the victim to submit to sex out of fear or guilt. The abuser may threaten to hit her, leave her and find another woman, withdraw financial support, or punish her in some other way. He may insist on sex following a physical attack as a way for the victim to 'prove' she has forgiven him.

Sexual abuse is when an intimate partner has...

• minimized the importance of your feelings about sex
• criticized you sexually
• insisted on unwanted or uncomfortable touching
• withheld sex and affection
• forced sex after physical abuse or when you were sick
• raped you
• been jealously angry, assuming you would have sex with anyone
• insisted that you dress in a more sexual way than you wanted
• excessive jealousy
• calling you sexually derogatory names
• criticizing you sexually
• forcing unwanted sexual act
• forcing you to strip
• sadistic sexual acts
• withholding sex
• minimizing or denying your feelings about sex or sexual preferences
• forcing sex after physical assault
• using coercion to force sex
• taking unwanted sexual photos
• forcing you into prostitution
• forcing sex when you are ill or tired


Financial Abuse

At one extreme, the abuser denies the victim access to money; at the other extreme, he makes her responsible for all the finances but handles money irresponsibly himself. Money becomes a tool by which the abuser can further control the victim. Either he makes her totally dependent on him financially, or he shifts the responsibility of keeping a roof over the family's head onto her, at the same time making it difficult or impossible for her to do so.


Financial abuse can include:

• preventing you from getting or keeping a job
• denying you sufficient housekeeping
• having to account for every penny spent
• denying access to check book/account/finances
• putting all bills in your name
• demanding your paychecks
• spending money allocated to bills/groceries on himself
• forcing you to beg or commit crimes for money
• spending Child Benefit on himself
• not permitting you to spend available funds on yourself or children


Aftermaths of these violence

Long-term effects of domestic violence on women who have been abused may include:

• anxiety
• chronic depression
• chronic pain
• death
• dehydration
• dissociative states
• drug and alcohol dependence
• eating disorders
• emotional "over-reactions" to stimuli
• general emotional numbing
• health problems
• malnutrition
• panic attacks
• poor adherence to medical recommendations
• poverty
• repeated self-injury
• self neglect
• sexual dysfunction
• sleep disorders
• somatization disorders
• strained family relationships
• suicide attempts
• an inability to adequately respond to the needs of their children.